How To Win A War With Tools You Have Lying Around The House
by worrywart
Summary: Hermione Snape is fighting for justice...again. Only this time, she enlists the help of her female friends to influence the men with the oldest of all methods suggested by a portrait she found of a similarly inclined lady from ages past.


**This is my submission for the QLFC Round 12. This week we are doing crossovers, but with a specific genre; I've chosen 'plays'. My prompts are also 'rush' and 'honest'.**

Lysistrata is a comedy written by Aristophanes and first performed around 411 BC. It is a wonderful little play, using the most universal of techniques to persuade men to bend to their wives bidding. In Lysistrata's case, to end the Peloponnesian Wars. The plot was simple…by 'wine oath', Lysistrata and her friends withhold sex from their men, and as soon as the men are angry enough—or rather, horny enough—they work to end the war.

I've loosely used that plot to bring about a change in the patriarchal society of the Wizarding world, spearheaded by none other than our Hermione.

The sexual position mentioned in my story is also mentioned in the play, but the author did not leave notes as to what it was, and it probably never even existed.

This story is AU, non-canon (I've blatantly disregard who married whom and certain dates of birth, who died, etc), a bit OOC, and I've made Lysistrata a witch, although Aristophanes did not. This A/N, nor the one at the end, is not included in the competition total word requirements.

* * *

 **August 2005**

"Hermione Snape, I know that look; you're in a snit," stated Narcissa Malfoy as she watched the younger woman take a seat in the well appointed parlour.

Hermione relaxed and laughed, "You know me too well, Cissy. Thank you, Mitzy." She took the cup of tea offered to her by a house-elf **.** "Once again, the President of the club has denied my request for membership." Hermione sighed resignedly and took a sip of her tea before continuing, "Severus said it was useless to try again, but I had to."

"But why, Hermione? The Gentlemen's Club has long been a fixture in Diagon Alley, and we wives have always understood the membership to be exclusively male. We take it in stride."

"Why not, though?" asked Hermione. "What is it that makes it so exclusively male?'

Narcissa laughed. "At the time it was established, women—Witch or Muggle —didn't join clubs, except those associated with religious organisations or as charitable works. And because, like our little teas, which are usually exclusively female, it's a place where men can go and gossip…about us."

"We wouldn't deny any of our husbands, though. I seem to remember Draco attending last month."

Narcissa snorted, "Draco is newly married and in a bit of post honeymoon daze. He'd follow Astoria to a Muggle food shop, should she be inclined." Narcissa stirred her tea thoughtfully. "Why are you so determined to make the club co-ed? Even that Muggle golf course at St. Anthony's—"

"Andrew's," corrected Hermione automatically.

"Andrew's, then. Even they are not co-educational, and many Muggle women play the game."

Before Hermione could respond, a disturbance in the doorway drew their attention. "Oh, lovely, you're all here," called Hermione. "Come in!"

Narcissa looked askance at Hermione. "Yes, please do join us."

"Thank you, Mrs. Malfoy," said Lavender. "I've brought the others."

"Others?" asked Narcissa, confused.

"I'm afraid I've taken advantage of your hospitality, Cissy," Hermione apologised. "I invited our friends to tea today to discuss ways and means."

"Ways and means of what?" asked Ginny as she waddled into the room.

"Take a seat, everyone," said Hermione. "Narcissa, would you call for more tea?"

The bewildered woman nodded and then took command. "Mitzy!" The elf popped in. "More tea and prepare a few sandwiches and cakes, won't you?"

"Yes, Mistress," Mitzy replied and popped away.

As the ladies settled, Hermione studied her friends. She hoped that what she was about to suggest would seem logical to them. She wondered about Astoria; she remembered her own days as a newlywed and knew how irresistible a sexy husband could be, but Astoria was also a feminist—a bold attitude for a pureblood woman from a very old family—and Hermione was confident she would support her. Narcissa and Molly had been married for long enough that it would not be a struggle for them. Ginny was currently pregnant and near term, so that shouldn't be a problem. Hermione really only expected trouble from Lavender. That lady was not averse to offering unwelcomed titbits of her _activities_ to the ladies at their teas, and Hermione was unsure she'd be willing to put off her husband.

When she noticed the ladies had been given tea and a plate of dainties, she addressed them. "Thank you for coming. Let's get right down to business; as you know, all of our husbands are members of The Gentlemen's Club, and as you also know, women are not allowed."

Lavender spoke around a mouthful of sandwich. "So? What's it to us?"

"What is to us," started Hermione, "is unfair. There is no reason whatsoever that we should not be allowed to join or partake of the activities there."

"Activities?" questioned Astoria. "All they do is smoke, eat, play cards or billiards, or get massages. To be honest, except for the massages and billiards, we often do the same at our teas."

"Teas at which we must play upon the goodness of our host, disrupting her day and time schedule, however well-planned." Hermione held up a hand at a possible protest. "Don't get me wrong, you are all generous with your time, and I am grateful, and I have no problem hosting you at any time, but why shouldn't _we_ have a main gathering place? Something available to us at all hours?"

They nodded in tacit agreement.

"Now," continued Hermione, "I've done some—"

"RESEARCH!" chorused the ladies en masse and then burst into laughter.

Hermione, blushing, laughed as well. "Okay, okay. I did do some…fact checking about the history of their club and rules and restrictions. However, in my search for facts, I came across a rather interesting find. Someone who offered me an incredible amount of guidance."

Hermione reached into the bag at her feet and pulled out a small frame. With a flick of her wand, she enlarged the portrait and set it on the table beside her. "Ladies, I'd like you to meet Lysistrata, the answer to our dilemma!"

As one, the ladies faced the portrait where a lovely woman of Greek origin, slightly plump, and well dressed in garb of the time. Very quietly, she spoke, "Hello."

Narcissa recovered first. "I'm pleased to meet you, Lysistrata; I'm Narcissa Malfoy."

"You're as lovely as Hermione described you." Lysistrata looked at all the ladies. "All of you are exactly as Hermione described. You with the red hair are Ginny; I see you're quite ready to pop. To her left is Lavender, over on the settee is Molly; you're Ginny's mother. Astoria, dear, I'd die for your figure, if I weren't dead already, you know."

Astoria giggled. "It's a pleasure to meet you!"

"Please, ladies, call me Lyss. We are about to become well acquainted. If what Hermione has told me is true, we have much in common!"

"How so?" asked Astoria.

Lysistrata settled into her painted chair. "It is not uncommon, in any age, for women to band together for causes. Why, even in my time, my friends and I united to bring peace to our land."

Hermione spoke up. "The Peloponnesian Wars were being fought when Lyss was alive. She was key to the peace that finally came to the nations."

"Oh, please, Hermione. It was really such a little thing," Lyss said shyly.

"Hardly!" Hermione snorted.

"Well, don't keep us in the dark then," remarked Molly. "Although I may never use the Gentlemen's Club should it become co-ed, it doesn't mean I don't understand Hermione's purpose."

Lyss smiled. "I used this tactic and it really worked. You ladies simply withhold, erm, your favours with your men."

The ladies were dead silent, except Hermione, who bounced on the chair, causing it to squeak.

Ginny recovered first. "Favours?" Her eyes widened as the Knut dropped. "Oh, no! You're kidding! Hermione, tell me you can actually stop having sex with your husband. You've told me you two go at it like Kneasles constantly!"

"Ginny!" Hermione gasped, blushing quite deeply. "Please, those are private conversations. And yes, that's exactly what I'm suggesting. If it could stop an entire war," she pointed at the portrait, "it should easily win our membership to a simple club.

Lavender bristled, "Well, I certainly don't intend on denying my husband. It's my duty to be a good wife to him."

Lyss answered her, "I'm not saying not to be a good wife to your husband. But as a wife, you certainly know ways to get what you want, surely? A new dress perhaps? Your way in an argument?"

The vivacious blonde thought at moment and then smiled. "I suppose you're right. I mean, I have had 'headaches' when I wanted something…"

Hermione, knowing this could go way off track, drew the ladies back to the point. "So, if you're agreed, we can instantly put our plan to work."

"How can we be sure we are all complying?" asked Ginny, looking at Lavender.

Lyss intervened, "The same way my friends did; with a wine oath."

"I can't drink wine," said Ginny.

"True," Lyss considered. "What about just a simple wand oath then?"

Hermione nodded and drew her wand. "Shall we?"

"Wait!" Lavender stalled, "What about the Lioness on the Cheese Grater. Can we still do that?"

Lyss gasped. "You know about the Grater?"

Hermione and several of the ladies moaned and shivered. "Oh yes, we do!" exclaimed Hermione. "But no, not even that, Lavender."

"But technically," began Molly. At that, Ginny, Hermione and Lavender dropped their wands.

"What," interjected Narcissa, "you think you ladies are the only ones to know about The Grater? If Lyss knows it, then we all do."

Molly nodded in agreement.

Lyss giggled. "A favourite of all the ladies, I see. But your wand oath will include The Grater."

With a sigh, Lavender nodded, and the others picked up or drew their wands.

"Now," said Lyss, "repeat after me…."

* * *

 **Two weeks later, at several households:**

"Not tonight, Severus, I don't feel well," said Hermione, rolling away from the amorous advances of her husband.

"You've not felt well for several nights, love. You're not pregnant are you?"

Hermione snorted. "No, of course not."

"Then why not?"

"Because I don't want to. Now go to sleep; I have an early appointment at the Ministry tomorrow."

* * *

"Lucius, stop," said Narcissa, pushing her husband away. "I'm not feeling well."

Lucius huffed and rolled over. "You've not felt well for several evenings, Narcissa. If you no longer want my advances, just say so."

"It's not that I don't want them, I just don't want them now. Go to sleep, dear heart."

"Are you sure you've not started menopause?"

His next words were muffled as a pillow slapped into his face.

* * *

"Tori, what's the matter? We're on our honeymoon! You've been keen before."

"Well, I'm not keen now."

"Is it time for your monthly?"

Astoria jumped out of bed. "Why is it men think that's the answer to everything? NO! I am not on my monthly!" She snatched a pillow and blanket and stormed from the room.

"Tori! Come back, love! I'm sorry! Astoria! Tori?"

* * *

Molly laughed, but pushed her husband away as he kissed her neck, causing her to drop her knitting. "Go on with you, Arthur."

"Mollywobbles, c'mon. We've got the whole house to ourselves finally; we can have a bit of fun wherever we want now."

"I'm not in the mood," she sniffed.

Arthur, perplexed by his wife's standoffish attitude, asked the fatal question: "Are you sure it's not menopause?" He then hopped out of the room, nursing his side where Molly had poked him with a knitting needle.

* * *

"Lav-Lav, c'mon! It's been ages since we've had sex. I'll even do The Grater!" begged Ron.

Lavender bit her lip. Ron so rarely offered to do The Grater that she nearly gave in but for the wand oath. "Oh, Won-Won, I just don't feel up to it tonight."

"You haven't felt up to it for a while. You sure you feel well?"

"I feel well, Ronald, but I don't feel up to that tonight!"

"A bloke could get sick if he don't get it regular, you know."

"A bloke could never get it 'regular' again if he doesn't learn to shut his mouth," said Lavender as she flounced out of the room.

* * *

"Gin, I know you're nearly ready to give birth, but aren't you supposed to be, you know, more horny near the end?" asked Harry.

"Well, just because the book said it might happen, doesn't mean it'd happen to me. Go to sleep, Harry; I'm tired."

"But last week…"

"Was last week! Go. To. Sleep!"

* * *

 **Three weeks later, The Gentlemen's Club, Diagon Alley**

Six rather grumpy men gathered in a parlour at the club, each nursing a drink. Severus and Lucius were playing chess, but neither really had their mind on the game. When Severus made yet another stupid move, Lucius berated him.

"Come now, Sev, you play better than this!"

Severus snapped, "Well, you've not made the most masterly of moves this evening, yourself."

Lucius snapped back, "Are you calling me stupid?"

Their tirade were interrupted when Arthur began to shout, "Ronald, you clumsy oaf; you've spilled your drink on me!"

"Oi!" hollered Harry as Ron trod on his toes, stumbling away from his angry father.

Draco laughed at them both, prompting Harry to send a Stinging hex to his bollocks. Before long, all six men were snipping and hexing each other, furniture being turned over in their wake. They stopped only when the president of the club burst into the room and cast a mild Stunning Hex, incapacitating the group.

"Gentlemen! You are behaving like heathens; stop this at once. I don't know what your problem is, but you will compose yourselves like the gentlemen you purported to be when you joined this club. Mr. Snape," the president directed his comments to Severus, "you will tell your wife to stop her campaign immediately, or you will be barred from entry."

The slamming of the door ended the hex on the men. They tidied themselves, repaired the furniture and returned to their seats.

Tugging his waistcoat into place, Lucius was the first to speak, "Well, I feel better; how about the rest of you?"

Arthur chuckled, "It did feel good. I don't know about the rest of you, but things are tense at home."

"I know this may be indelicate," began Severus, "but are your wives…denying…you at home?" They all nodded. "So that begs the question: why?" asked Severus.

Arthur spoke up, "We know Hermione has been attempting to integrate the club." Tapping his lips, he spent a moment in thought. "I'll wager, gentlemen, that the women have banded together in an attempt to help persuade _us_ into falling in with Hermione's plans."

Lucius whipped around to look at Severus. "This is your fault?"

"Hardly," Severus huffed.

"You need to get your wife under control, Severus; she's stepping where even Goblins fear to tread."

Severus bristled at the slight against his wife. "My wife has always had a sense of justice that has set the Wizarding world on its ears, I'll admit. I know she feels strongly about allowing women. Perhaps there is a way it could be done?"

"What?" Lucius nearly screeched. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Not really. After all, there are several rooms on the uppermost floors that are in disrepair and no longer used. What if we suggested they be allowed to use those? I believe, in the long run, it's not so much that they want to mingle with us, but simply the principle of the matter."

Ron, who had always understood the intricacies of strategy, offered an opinion. "That would work. After all, Hermione never minded the house elves working for us, just that they were treated fairly and were paid."

Draco spoke next, his voice hopeful. "So, you think if we give into their demands, they'll want to have sex again?"

"Five points to Slytherin,'' laughed Harry.

"So who among us will persuade the membership board?" asked Lucius, turning to Severus as he spoke.

"Oh, no! Not me!"

"It is your wife who's the ringleader, Severus," interjected Arthur. The three younger men nodded vigorously in agreement.

"I suggest you speak to the board, sooner, rather than later, Severus," Lucius hinted.

Severus growled and left the room in a rush, but not before sending a final Stinging Hex to all five men.

* * *

 **Two months later**

In the newly refurbished Women's Lounge at the Gentlemen's Club, six women gathered around a Moses basket where the tiny form of James Potter lay asleep.

"He's just a doll!" exclaimed Lavender as she sat gingerly down in her chair.

Hermione limped over to her own chair and sat, followed slowly by Molly, Narcissa, and Astoria. Ginny sat carefully as well, but only because she was a new mum and well, new mums don't sit so well antenatal.

The portrait of Lysistrata, who now represented the women of the club, hung on the wall above the fireplace. "A little sore these days, ladies?" she asked with a smirk on her face. Everyone giggled at her words. "Hermione," Lyss continued, "I can't believe you finally got the club to allow women!"

"It wasn't me; Severus suddenly decided that a co-ed club was a good idea," she smiled mischievously as she took a sip of her tea.

"Oh, I'm sure," said Narcissa, giggling. "And I bet Severus had a wonderful night once the announcement was made."

"Oh, yes, he did! In fact, we've been so happy since the announcement, we forgot our charm, and well…" Hermione blushed and then announced "We're going to have a baby!"

There was a joint shriek around the room as Lavender threw her arms around Hermione. "Our children will be in class together then!" Lavender let Hermione go and rubbed her own abdomen.

"And ours," admitted Astoria, blushing as she reached to hug Hermione.

Ginny laughed. "And James was born after September 1st, so he'll be in their classes as well."

Molly and Narcissa, relieved that babies were not part of their future, except in grandchild form, joined the ladies in congratulation.

"Well," began Narcissa, "thanks to Hermione, we know where the baby showers will be!"

Hermione stood near Lysistrata's portrait as the other women cooed over James and discussed pregnancy. "I couldn't have done it without you, Lyss; thank you so much!"

"It was a pleasure Hermione," Lyss said, smiling with gratitude. "I'm so happy you found me; it's wonderful to be part of society again."

"To that end, my dear, I'm having a painting done at my house so you can visit!"

"Are you really?"

"Of course! If you think I'm going to let a brilliant mind like yours go to waste by sitting in a fusty, old drawing room, you're sadly mistaken." Hermione winked at her co-conspirator, who winked back.

"I suspect, my dear, you and I will get into a bit of trouble," Lysistrata smiled slyly.

"The very best of trouble, I think." Hermione agreed.

* * *

 **A/N #2:** St. Andrew's Golf Club, at the time this story takes place, did not let women play on the course. Women were allowed in 2013 if my research was correct. FORE!


End file.
